Empty & Personal

I'm empty.

I was expecting our 6th child.

I lost the baby last night.

I was almost done with the first trimester.

I'm devastated.

I know I have 5 wonderful, beautiful, fun, sweet children, but I loved and wanted THIS one.

I loved from the moment I found out. I planned. I pictured the baby in our family, how Zoey would only be 15 months when the baby was born. We had names picked out. We were looking forward to June.

I'm not exactly a spring chicken. If we're going to have another baby I can't wait too long. I'm worried about this happening again, but I shouldn't think about it now.

People say you shouldn't tell when you're expecting, we were waiting for a while, but now it feels silly. I wouldn't keep this loss to myself, I want my family and close friends to know.

I feel like there is an empty place in my heart. I am heartbroken.

But as always in my life, God is in charge and I will let Him take over. He knows me, He knows my family, He knows my pain and my desires. Things will work out.

I hope I have the chance again someday to get the little baby who should be part of our family.




♥

The straw that broke my back

I'm usually a positive person, I usually try to focus on the blessings in my life, I don't like to whine and complain...but sometimes it just feels good to vent! Sorry for the whine-fest, feel free to skip this one, it's just therapeutic for me.

The thing that broke my back was the van. I went to start it this morning to go to church and it died... :(

So then the Mamma Mia song that plays frequently through my head starts..."I work all night I work all day I pay the bills I have to pay...Ain't it sad! And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me...that's too bad!...Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world. Money, money, money, always sunny, in a rich man's world"

So I start feeling sorry for myself and thinking of all the things that would be nice (and I know there are worse problems to have and that I am a brat for even whining)

BUT, wouldn't it be nice...

if I could stay home with my babies

if we had a car that we didn't put over $5K in the past 6 months and it still dies

if I could get my $1K worth of dental work done

if I could get braces for my older girls

if I could look out my back yard and actually see trees, bushes, and flowers

if I could get nice clothes for everyone in the family

if we could afford to go to Disneyland

if we didn't have NICU/Medical bills

and the list could go on but I had to stop myself and go to my happy place...

which includes my family, my faith, good health, and freedom

this guy is pretty darn cool and keeps me going

Savannah, my first precious girl

this funny "checker board teeth" boy always makes me laugh, thanks Zack-man

and this drawing on my special Sydney's hand, I didn't see what it was at first

then she put his trunk out! Cute girl! She comes up with the funniest things, I just LOVE it

like wearing a blanket on her head, Oh Sydney! And of course my sweet Summer

my bundle of pure joy and blessings, My Zoey


Now I just need to stay in my happy place!

"Ain't to proud to beg..."

OK people, I am not above begging...

I am asking if anyone will buy some Mary Kay items at regular price. That would help us while Tom is out of a job.

Just look online (www.marykay.com) and let me know what you want by email- pbjpreschool@hotmail.com

I figured this is better than going out to a big intersection with a homemade sign...my kids dressed in rags and all of us crying...I'm kidding...(well, kind of) :)

Yes, it's that bad. But I still have some hope...

Thanks!

Life is NEVER boring!

That's my quote for today. I was feeling a little down yesterday, don't know exactly why,

could be hormones,
could be the migraine I was getting,
could be the kids fighting,
could be the messy house,
could be the baby weight I still have after 4 years that should be gone by now,
could be lack of sleep due to starting work again,
could be my perfectionist nature which contributes to my guilt for everything NOT being perfect

I could not put my finger on exactly why I was feeling weird. I emailed Tom and told him I was down. He called me after school and said, "So you're feeling bad?" We talked for a minute and then he said, "Can I make your life more interesting?"

UM...NO!

This is not a drill. Turns out fate would have us go through a trial we are all too familiar with AGAIN! I just laughed. I think I was in shock. There are worse things that can happen than being laid off, but seriously, again?! What is this? The 4th time in 3 years?! I HATE Human Resources! Never go into that profession! They're always the first to go when the company downsizes! ARGH!

Even though I am stressed about the un-known future, I do know we are in God's hands and He does take care of us. I also know this is such a small trial in the big scheme of things.

Last night I rearranged my primary meeting (instead of having it at Arctic Circle, we met at my house) so Tom could go to the Temple. I felt like I should tell him to go. He wanted to go but knew about my meeting so didn't ask. We are both glad he got to go and I will be going tomorrow. Tom had a really great experience there, he felt so uplifted and strengthened. He called me as soon as he was out and told me to look up a scripture. Here it is,

"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of the Sabbaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord" (D&C 98:1-3)

Ever had the experience of needing comfort through scripture, and you open up to the exact thing you need to read? This is what happened for Tom and the power of reading this, pertaining to our life at this moment, was just overwhelming. What a sweet blessing!

Today Summer was sick so I stayed home with her and Tom had his last day at work. Want to know what I ate today? Why yes Sally, do share, we are all hanging on the edge of our seats...
This might make you laugh OR just feel sorry for me. I had some oreos, chips, mike-n-ikes, Cadbury chocolate, and zingers! Yep, that's all, absolutely nothing nutritious, and I feel sick! Why do I do that?!

And our treadmill died this week and Tom's steering went out on his car ...

Is that all you got?!

I actually find this all very amusing right now, I'm sure that is a stage of shock. One thing is FOR SURE,

My life is NEVER boring and I love it!

Not my favorite thing...

Things usually happen in 3's...

1. Tom got in a car wreck, not his fault, a lady ran into him while he was stopped. He's ok but in typical guy fashion he won't go to the doctor! He says he's fine, only whip lash and his back hurts!!! When he called to tell me about the accident I didn't believe him, because he always tricks me like this, he's a jokester! He started by telling me he was in the hospital and they had to amputate his hand or something so of course I didn't believe him, I can't remember how long it took him to convince me he wasn't playing a joke! Maybe when he started telling me details, I kept saying, "Are you seroious?!" and "Please don't joke." His car has to be in the shop for a few days, the officer tied the bumper up with some sort of police tape. The rental car is a minivan and I got to drive it to work today, heaven! I gave him grief all last night about going to the doctor, to no avail. Instead I had to give him a long massage. I was so tired I fell asleep while I was massaging his legs!!!

2. Another not so fun event happened yesterday when one of my students threw away an orthopedic fork (worth $50) with his lunch. Nobody realized it soon enough so when we finally did the only thing to do was go through the entire schools' lunch trash bags (1,200 students)! 11 bags! Huge bags full of garbage and of course the lunch was tacos...nothing like cholcolate milk and salsa goop! I still have to repress the gag reflex as I think about it. Myself and my awesome assistant principal, went through the trash for 30 minutes! I had gloves on but still got trash juice all over my clothes. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!!!!! And the worst part is, after all that, we never found the fork!!!

3. I'm just waiting for it! :)


A good thing is the weight off my head thanks to chopping 6 inches off! Thanks Gina! Here's a picture off my laptop...

Insanity....

is losing your camera!!!! I am dying! I can't find it anywhere! That thing is like a third hand to me, glued to me almost everywhere I go, just ask Tom, he hates it! :) Maybe he hid it somewhere? Haha. But if I don't find it soon I will have to beg for a new one! Early Christmas present? Not that I have too much time to blog anymore, but I am going through withdrawals! I feel like I am not journaling if I don't have pictures, like when we put up the Halloween decorations...no pictures. Like when it snowed and the kids were super excited...no pictures.

I seriously don't know how long I can live like this.

Here we go again...

Before reading this post click on the Josh Groban "You are loved" song on my playlist, it will add emotion while reading... :)

I asked Tom if I could write about this personal experience for a few reasons, (1) I use my blog to journal and (2) I want to share our faith with friends and family who read our stories. So here goes, on Friday 3/28 Tom calls me and says , "You are not going to believe this! The company is going under!" I immediately thought he was teasing me like he frequently does, but after a few minutes I knew he was serious. Instead of feeling utter panic and crying I kind of laughed and said, "Well, we've been through this before and things always work out." Tom and I both felt peace. We've been through this 4 times in 4 years!!!! So, bring it on! Life is full of challenges and ups and downs. Tom and I feel so blessed to have the gospel, our family and friends, good health, and freedom. Everything else is just temporal stuff. I'm not saying it's easy and I know there may be days where all I eat is chocolate and cry a lot but I feel such strength from Heavenly Father. The past 4 times we have gone through a trial like this Tom has just been amazing and stalwart! He is my strength and positive influence. I tend to be a little negative and worry a lot, Tom counteracts all that. The thing we both find so amazing is that each time we have come out in a better situation, things we could not have foreseen, doors were open that we never knew were there! Family, friends, and our church were such HUGE blessings!! So I am hoping this time is the same...we have been praying for a way to get me back home (not teaching and maybe another baby) and maybe this will be an answer! Another incredible thing is the fact that I am working and have health benefits. Over a year ago Tom and I both felt I should go back to teaching. It was a VERY hard decision and I cried a lot (and still do, I did NOT want to quit my cute home preschool...) but we couldn't believe how strongly we felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Well, now it has blessed us TWO times in less than a year!! We feel very grateful for me to have a stable income and benefits! Plus I work great hours and have the summers off with my babies. So really I should quit my complaining! I am excited to say that my baby Summer will be in the preschool at my school next year too! Another blessing. So during this "storm" Tom and I feel very calmed by our Heavenly Father. I keep thinking out of all the trials we could have this is really minor. As long as we have each other and the gospel we can get through anything! I just wanted to share my feelings and say that I know our Heavenly Father loves us, knows us, knows our names (the one we have here and the one He gave us), He is in control, I know these things with all my heart and it makes ALL the difference in my life!